Social Wellness: Getting by With a Little Help From Your Friends!
We’ve almost made it to the end of our wellness series! This week’s post is on the topic of social wellness – which might seem like one of the easier categories to define, but I find it’s often one of the harder ones to follow through on. Especially for those who have grown up in the age of texting and social media, social wellness often feels like a daunting and seemingly impossible-to-conquer mountain. I often hear worries about not having enough friends, not being interesting enough, not measuring up, and crippling social anxiety. Similar to last post’s financial wellness, people often don’t know where to start – but they do know that their social wellness needs some attention!
So, what does social wellness even mean? It consists of nurturing ourselves and others in our relationships. It encompasses a lot of the areas of wellness that we’ve already gone over – physical, emotional, intellectual – and one that we’ll get to next time – spiritual. When we are out of balance in one or more of these areas, it can have a negative impact on our social wellness, too! Conversely, engaging in our preferred wellness activities can have a positive effect on our social wellness.
Some of our social wellness comes from our interpersonal skills – open communication about thoughts and feelings, trust building, active listening and empathy, and vulnerability. Some of it involves engaging in meaningful shared interests and collaborative work towards goals. Our friendships and relationships will not all be the same! Some of your friends will be deep connections and others will be based around shared activities – your work friend, your choir friend, your gym friend. The beauty of different kinds of relationships is that it allows for flexibility and breadth in our social circle – and that’s wonderful!
Throughout the pandemic, many of us have taken time to reflect on the relationships that we’d been engaging in. Some friendships deepened and grew, and others dwindled away. Some of us realized that there were friendships we didn’t miss, after all. Others realized that deep friendships were missing. We may have noticed who reached out to check on us and who didn’t – and we may have noticed who we wanted to reach out to and who we didn’t. Perhaps we realized which friendships had toxic traits – the friend who only calls you when they need something, the friend who has boundary issues, etc. Perhaps we were on the receiving end of being left on read and wondering why? Some of us drew hard lines in the sand in regards to our values and redefined what respectful communication looks like. And for many, that ended up looking like a smaller friend circle – maybe, for some of us, too small.
As you evaluate your current friend group, what do you notice? Do you feel supported and respected by your friends? Hopefully, as you evaluate your friendships, you’ll notice positive feelings and fond memories. If instead you’re noticing that you feel exasperated when you hear from a particular person or that you find yourself leaving interactions feeling depleted, it may be time to evaluate if the friendship boundaries need to be adjusted. What adjustments might you ask your friends to make? How do they respond to requests for adjustments or new boundaries? Try your best not to criticize, but to identify specific, behavior-based changes you’d like to see – “I’d prefer you not call after 9pm unless it’s an emergency,” “I don’t want to hear gossip about others any longer,” “Please don’t use that word.” Sometimes when you open the door to discussions about boundaries, your friends might feel comfortable sharing their needs, too! Talking about trust ruptures can be a wonderful way to deepen our trust in our friendships – if someone’s talking to you about their concerns, it shows you they’re comfortable being honest with you! On the other hand, if you’re met with hostility, guilt trips, or indifference, it may be time to evaluate if this relationship is one that needs to stick around. It’s okay to end a friendship that doesn’t serve both of you any longer – even if it’s a long-standing friendship, and even if it’s painful. It’s okay to unfollow, mute, or block people who bring stress or upset into your life. The only person you truly owe your energy to … is you!
It may also be helpful to reflect on your own communication style and responses to feedback. Check in on your own communication skills – Use I-messages, maintain assertive body language and active listening skills, and check in with any defensiveness you might be feeling! Be careful of thought traps like mind reading - at the end of the day, you don’t know what someone’s thinking unless they tell you (and if you can read minds, get off this blog and go open up your own psychic stand! You’ve got a calling to attend to!). It’s also important not to take things personally. Remember: the way people treat you has to do with them, not with you. If someone is coming off as rude or short, you can ask them about it, but don’t assume it’s because of something you did – they might have just had a terrible day, or they might treat everyone that way regardless of how their day went! The only thing you can control is your response and the amount of space they’re able to take up in your life.
As we come into the beginning of our third season of Covid, many of us are left wondering – now what? How does one make new friendships in adulthood, particularly in a largely virtual environment. There’s no lunch period in the middle of the school day to chat and get to know people. There’s often not even a water cooler to gather around – some offices are still virtual, and for others, people stay in their offices in order to reduce exposure risk. Even when we do find ourselves in potential social situations, we find people staring at screens with headphones tucked into their ears. How do we make new friends??
First, start with where you already are. Are there any friends you’ve fallen out of touch with out of pure circumstance? A few years ago, I was scrolling through social media and came across an old friend’s post. I thought to myself, why don’t we talk? I met Sarah when she dated my friend’s boyfriend’s friend (did you follow that? I barely did!) – when they broke up, Sarah and I lost touch. Down the road though, my other friend and her boyfriend also broke up – so there was no more awkward reason not to be in touch (and honestly, in hindsight, it would have been worth the awkwardness!). I reached out, we got together, and we stayed in touch – Sarah and I chat probably every week these days! We need to take risks in order to get the friendship payout – it won’t always result in a friendship – there have been other times when I’ve reached out to people and gotten “Yeah we totally should sometime!” and no follow up. That’s okay! I’m not for everyone, and everyone’s not for me. The people who are your people will stick around.
Okay, so you’ve checked in with your own skills, you’ve reached out to existing relationships. Maybe there’s still a gap – so now what? Here’s where those other wellness areas come in! We can often build friendships around shared activities! Some ideas here include grabbing lunch with a coworker, taking a class in an area of interest (like cooking or ballroom dancing or pottery), joining a Meet Up group doing something you like (hiking is a common one, but my sister joined a brunch meet up for women in her age group and it was awesome!), or joining a club or organization (a choir, a sports team, a faith group, a book club). It’s helpful to be well rounded and have a variety of outlets – the old saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” comes to mind – your friends won’t always be available and they won’t always have enough capacity to be social, and it’s helpful to have other places to lean when one person isn’t around! Having your own individual hobbies and interests makes you a better friend to yourself and to others.
It’s time to take your own social temperature – what’s going right, where are the gaps, and what needs to change, be deleted, or be enhanced? What steps do you want to take to enhance your social wellness?
