How to Stay Grounded During the Holidays
As Thanksgiving approaches, many of us look forward to spending time with family, eating hearty meals, and experiencing moments of gratitude. However, there are those who may not feel at home with their family and may come from households with a history of family trauma or strained family relationships. For many, holiday gatherings can be challenging–even triggering–and may evoke anxiety, discomfort, and resurfacing trauma responses. To help you navigate this season with your mental health in mind, here are some strategies to help you feel more empowered and centered during the holidays.
Set Those Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is essential. It’s easy for family gatherings to feel emotionally charged when family members are present who are closely tied to an experience of trauma or abuse. Before attending your gathering, consider the physical and conversational boundaries you would need to set in order to feel safe. Think about the following:
Set Time Limits: If extended exposure to family is overwhelming, consider setting a specific time limit for your visit. For example, you can communicate that you will stay for dinner, but leave before dessert. Additionally, you may opt to stay at a nearby hotel rather than spend the night at your family’s house.
Conversational Boundaries: Certain topics–like politics, gender and sexuality, or social issues–might be triggering. Plan ahead by kindly informing family members of subjects you would prefer to avoid, and prepare statements to redirect or excuse yourself if necessary.
Plan an Exit Strategy: It’s okay to have a plan to leave if things get too overwhelming. Ensuring you have your own transportation or a ride available can make you feel more in control and allow you to leave when you need to.
Minimize Vulnerabilities: Many Thanksgiving celebrations may include alcohol. Alcohol intake can lower impulse control and amplify your emotions, making it harder to manage stress or enforce boundaries. It may be helpful to set a clear limit beforehand or opt for a non-alcoholic alternative. Rely on grounding techniques–such as those discussed below–or brief escapes and positive distractions to relax.
Remember, boundaries are not walls. They are important and healthy ways to protect your well-being and honor your individual needs!
Practice Grounding and Mindfulness Techniques
For many, the holidays bring people back into contexts and environments that had been traumatizing for them in their early life. It’s normal for the body to feel on high alert in these triggering environments. Grounding techniques can help to bring you back to the present moment and reduce the intensity of triggers. Here are some strategies you could use as needed:
Deep Breathing: The 4-7-8 breathing technique is a deep breathing pattern in which you inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. This technique activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you feel calm and centered.1
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: This technique is one of my favorites! With this, you identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. The purpose of this exercise is to reconnect you to the present moment and combat anxious thoughts.2
Calm, Safe Place Visualization: If you start to feel overwhelmed, close your eyes and visualize a safe, comforting place. Imagine the details as vividly as possible, from the sights to the smells. This place should have no ties to anything stressful in your life. Sometimes people think of a fantasy realm or a place from a video game. You may even come up with your own imaginary place altogether – have fun with it! Utilizing calming imagery has been found to reduce anxiety and stress, and can soothe an overactive mind and body.3
Manage Expectations
It’s normal and natural to hope for a peaceful gathering devoid of contention or arguments, but if past experiences have not reflected this, it may be important to adjust your expectations. It is okay to maintain hope that things will be different this time, but choosing to manage your expectations in case can help you avoid additional distress. For example, maybe you may be seeking the approval or validation of your family. Recognize that you are worthy and valid, despite what your family may think. There may be a chance your family may continue to not grant you the approval you’re looking for. Know that you don’t need to meet theirs’ or anyone else's standards to prove your worth.
Be Gentle with Yourself
Family gatherings and the holidays can often bring up old traumas and emotional wounds. It’s important to show yourself the compassion and care you need during this time. You may want your family to give you this compassion, and that’s normal. However, you can also choose to give it to yourself. Remind yourself to validate your emotions during this time and talk kindly to yourself.
Focus on the Good
While the holidays may be difficult, there may still be enjoyable moments within the challenges. Try to focus on those small moments of joy, if possible. This could be spending time with a supportive relative, cooking a favorite dish, or engaging in a solo walk outside. It could even be one moment of kind conversation or one sentence that a family member says to you that sparks joy.
Additionally, notice that every holiday is a chance to acknowledge your growth. If you’ve been on a healing journey–which you likely have if you’re reading this blog post–know that your effort has been culminating into long-term mental and emotional growth. Use the holidays as a benchmark of how things have shifted for you over time. Are you a little bit less bothered by an annoying family member? Do you sit in negative emotions just a little bit less than last year? These are all signs that you are actively growing and evolving – and that’s something to treasure.
Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
If you are nervous going to a family gathering alone, see if you can invite a friend or partner you feel safe around. You don’t have to go through the holiday difficulties alone. Lean on your support system, friends, therapists, or online communities to help you in this journey. Even if you are unable to bring a friend to your family gathering, you can text them throughout the night. It may also be helpful to schedule a therapy session before and/or after the gathering to prepare or process your experience with a trusted mental health professional. Therapists can also help you prepare an individualized strategy so that you feel ready to tackle the challenges that may arise.
Know Your “No” and Be Okay with It
Sometimes the most compassionate and healthy choice you can make for yourself is to not attend the family gathering at all. If the idea of Thanksgiving feels overwhelming to you or if you know it will be too challenging or harmful to attend, know that it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and that it does not reflect poorly on you. Opting for a quieter, solo Thanksgiving or a Friendsgiving can be a truly nurturing alternative – and that’s okay.
Thanksgiving has been strongly associated with the idea of “gratitude.” This year, give yourself the grace to practice gratitude in a way that is healing and healthy for you. It doesn’t need to be about family or tradition, it can be about appreciating personal victories–however small–and recognizing the courage it takes to confront your mental health and work through past traumas. Or, gratitude could even be cooking a nice meal for yourself this holiday. Honor your boundaries, take care of yourself, and show self-compassion. I hope these strategies help you navigate Thanksgiving more safely and compassionately. Remember, the healing journey is not about perfection, it's about honoring yourself and finding the right balance for you. I am grateful to you for taking your time to read this post – Happy Thanksgiving!
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