Passive Aggression: Nothing Passive About It!
A little over ten years ago, I was in a therapy session with my own personal therapist Laura (yes, therapists get therapy too!), describing an encounter I’d had with my then-boyfriend that had upset me. I told her that he’d called me to ask if it was okay if he canceled plans with me to go hang out with someone else and I responded, “I guess.” Laura looked me dead in the eye and said, “Well that was passive aggressive!” I was taken aback. What?! I did nothing wrong! Then she went on to explain that I was clearly notokay with him canceling plans, but gave him the verbal message that it was fine along with the nonverbal message that it was definitely not fine. I put the then-boyfriend in a position where he could not win – if he went, I was going to be mad because obviouslyit was not okay, but if he didn’t go, I never told him he couldn’t go and so he couldn’t blame me. Ever since that therapy session, I hear Laura’s voice in my head whenever I’m about to say something passive aggressive and try my best to rephrase (but I’m a human too, so sometimes it slips out anyway!). (And thank you, Laura!!)
Passive aggression is a toxic form of communication. We’re all familiar with passive communication (“Your needs are important but my needs are not”), aggressive communication (“My needs are important but yours are not”), and assertive communication (“My needs are important and so are yours”). With passive aggression, nobody’s needs get met. I am not clearly communicating my needs (but perhaps expecting you to know what they are anyway), I am giving you messages incongruent with how I really feel and what I really want, and your need to be respected is nonexistent.
Being on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior feels incredibly icky. Often, passive aggression is used as a way to manipulate people out of asserting their own needs and conceding to the needs of the other. For example, perhaps you have a friend or family member that calls during dinner time or during your morning routine and you say something assertive like, “It’s really hard for me to ____ when you call at that time,” a passive aggressive person may say something like, “Fine. I will never call you again since I bother you so much.” You may be tempted to concede and reassure your friend/family member by saying, “No no, that’s not it, I like talking to you …” etc. You may even say something like, “Forget I said anything, it was a stupid request.” I remember I once had an interaction with a friend (we’ll call her Jane) who does not get along with another one of my friends (we’ll call her Susie), and Jane was making some pretty rude “jokes” about Susie. When I asked Jane to stop, she said, “Fine, I’ll never be funny again.” I ended up apologizing after a drawn out conversation about how I’d hurt herfeelings!
Passive aggressive behavior can include a lot of different verbal and nonverbal responses, including extreme responses (“I’ll never be funny again”), self-deprecating language (“I know, I’m a terrible father.”), sarcasm (“Oh poor you.”), leaving tasks undone (“forgetting” to pick up your spouse’s favorite snacks at the grocery store), mean jokes (“You look like the crypt keeper – just kidding!!”), the silent treatment, and backhanded compliments (“I can’t believe YOU were able to put together such a great outfit!”). If you find yourself reading this list and thinking, “oh no, that’s me!” don’t be too hard on yourself! We are all flawed humans with lots to learn and many ways to grow! Often, passive aggressive behavior is the result of an inability to express what we really want, either because we have somehow learned that it’s not safe to ask for what we need/want (a topic for another blog post), or because we know on some level that our request is unreasonable and we feel defensive. Think about a time or a person with whom you’ve been passive aggressive – what were you really thinking and feeling? Can you think of a way that you could change your message from “nobody’s needs are important” to “your needs AND my needs are important”? If you’re in therapy, this can be a great topic to discuss with your therapist – and if you’re not, maybe it’s a great reason to seek out a therapist!
So how do we deal when we’re on the receiving end of passive aggression? The first thing to remember is that this is not personal - a golden rule that I talk about with all of my clients is that nobody’s actions towards you are ever personal. People act based on the lens through which they view the world. If I view the world as a generally good place with generally good people, I will assume that most people have good intentions – and conversely, if I view the world as a terrible place in which people are out to get me, I will assume that most people are out to get me, and I will treat people as such. Passive aggressive behavior is no different – it’s not about you! It’s important to avoid getting sucked into a manipulative dance – if possible, respond to the exact message that the passive aggressive person gives you. To go back to my example with Jane and Susie, believe it or not, that wasn’t the last time it happened! But the next time I asked Jane not to badmouth Susie, her response was, “Fine! I’ll never mention her again!” And I responded cheerily, “Thank you for understanding!” While it can be tempting to get into a debate about what appropriate topics are, and what we really meant, and how it doesn’t need to be extreme, the reality is, if Susie never gets brought up again in my conversations with Jane, that works! So I went with it, and the conversation ended there. We act in order to get a desired reaction – so if you don’t give the passive aggressive person the desired reaction, they will be more likely to find a different way to communicate, or at the very least, learn that this particular way doesn’t work with you anymore.
It’s important to remember that we can’t change passive aggressive people – we can’t change anypeople (more on that in another blog post). It is exhausting to continue to lead the proverbial horse to water. Of course, it can be helpful to discuss how the behavior impacts you and your emotional state, and for a lot of people, this can be effective and a good way to open up a conversation about respectful communication and boundaries. If you choose to address the behavior, it’s helpful to provide specific examples rather than labeling or name-calling (and yes, telling someone they’re passive aggressive is labeling them!), and then give some ideas on how you’d prefer to handle conflict. For example, you can say, “Shelly, I notice that sometimes when I forget to do the dishes, you don’t turn the porch light on for me before I come home. I know that it’s upsetting for you when I forget, and I was wondering if in the future, can you tell me that you’re upset so that we can talk about it?” Try to avoid words like “always” and “never,” as those words tend to put people on the defensive because there is always an exception to the rule! (See what I did there?) For others though, we sometimes have to accept that people are who they are and decide how to proceed with relationships from there. Sometimes that means loving people in spite of (and/or because of) their flaws, and sometimes that means distancing from or disengaging from relationships.