Emotional wellness – what exactly is it? In the age of social media, many of my clients (and friends, and family members) think that “emotional wellness” means being something along the lines of “Happy all the time” “Peaceful” “Okay with it” “Managing” “Grateful” “Perfect” … etc. This actually makes a lot of sense, since on social media we see the “good” parts of our friends’ lives – the gratitude, the weddings, the fresh cut grass, the fresh cut hair, the make up, the new clothes. We respond to bad days with “silver linings” and “at least it’s not…”s.

Sounds good, right? Surround yourself with positivity. Perfect. Everyone wins. Except …

Except you had a really crappy day. Your boss was a jerk. You got a flat tire. You burned dinner. Your takeout was cold. You couldn’t sleep. You can’t find a way to “BE POSITIVE!!!!” Especially because everyone on your feed is so stupidly, annoyingly, perfectly happy. So obviously, you suck. You are a failure. You are the problem. It’s you. This is called “toxic positivity” (stay tuned for future posts).

My friend Amy texted me one night telling me she was the worst mom in the world. She and her husband had recently moved their toddler from a crib in their bedroom into her own bed in her own room. They thought Holly would be so excited – she had a “big girl bed,” the room was decorated to Holly’s liking, she was old enough to make the switch! Holly thought differently. When Amy texted me, Holly was screaming and crying hysterically for what felt like hours, wanting to sleep in Amy’s bed – but she was two and a half, and it was time for her to move into her own room. Amy felt like the worst mom in the world … and then, miraculously, Holly stopped crying. Amy snuck out of her room – she was going to snap an adorable photo of her toddler sleeping alone for the first time. How cute! What a milestone!

Holly wasn’t in her bed. She wasn’t in her room. She was next door, in her sister’s bed. Amy sent me a picture of Holly and her big sister with a caption along the lines of “Can you believe this defiant child?!” I tried my best to provide support while I laughed behind the comfort of the cellphone at how smart and resourceful the toddler was. The next morning, I woke to a truly surprising Instagram post.

“Went to sleep in their own beds … found them like this this morning. #sisters”

It was that same photo of Holly and her sister, but this time with the caption: “Went to sleep in their own beds … found them like this this morning. #sisters” I texted her immediately – “I’m going to make a blog post about this one day.” (#goalachieved)

The number one barrier we often see when it comes to overall self esteem is comparison of self to others – so how does this relate to emotional wellness? The answer: SIGNIFICANTLY. The first question when evaluating emotional wellness is: “Do you see stress as something you can learn from or avoid?” Stress is defined as the deficit between the demands on you and the resources you have. When you perceive the demands as perfection (the toddler who transitions easily to sleeping alone) and your experience is different/inadequate (a toddler who is STRONG in her expression of autonomy (developmentally appropriate, albeit exhausting and aggravating)), you will inevitably perceive yourself as less than (I am the worst mom).

Signs of emotional wellness include:

Having the ability to speak to someone about your emotional concerns
Saying “no” without feeling guilty
Feeling content most of the time
Feeling you have a strong support network
Being able to relax
Feeling good about who you are

So .. can you view stress as something you can learn from (or avoid)? In this situation, Amy was able to talk to a friend (who happened to be a therapist well versed in child development (who probably also annoyed her with articles and growth charts and comments like “it will pass!”)). Not all of my advice was helpful, but the support was! One thing Amy had to learn was to stop judging herself for being frustrated with her kid – parents have become socialized to think they have to see their kids are these little angels that they’ll love all the time. Reality check: NOPE. No, you will not. Have you ever met a child under four?? They are NEEDY!! Their actual developmental tasks are to ask you for so many things that they can trust you’ll give them, but also to reject everything you offer to help them with to let you know that THEY CAN DO IT.

Amy’s job here was to learn that she is a good mom even though her child doesn’t always listen – everyone on Amy’s social media feed had the job of learning that social media is not real life – we saw Amy’s highlight reel, not her roller coaster. We can make adjustments (eventually she will sleep without us) and we can avoid (I don’t have to see Amy’s kids’ photo as facts).

Thankfully for Amy, she said “no” even though it was hard, allowed herself to express her frustrations with a good friend, had a good night’s sleep, and then was able to wake up refreshed and reframe that photo. She was able to see her child in a new light – a kid who knew how to get her needs met!! She allowed herself to experience her raw, unedited emotions (like all moms, she’s working on not judging herself). Even though she was judging herself, she knew she had a support system that wouldn’t judge her – and she used it.

How can you freely express your emotions? What emotions do you have that are boxed up? If it’s something you can vent to a friend safely, do it. If not, what do you do? Can you journal? Can you cry? Can you go to a rage room or a kickboxing class? Can you paint/draw/color? How are you taking care of yourself? Can you ask yourself - is your inability to say “no” or a sense of perfectionism interfering with your ability to feel content, being able to relax, or have a positive self image?

Some great ways to relax include breathing, releasing physical tension (progressive muscle relaxation, getting a massage, yoga), writing your thoughts down (journaling), making a gratitude list, visualizing (or visiting) a calm, safe place, or listening to your preferred type of music. How else do you like to relax?

The number one most important component of emotional wellness is asking for help. Sometimes this means calling a friend or family member, sometimes it means contacting a therapist. We all need help. We all have emotions. We all need someone. How are you noticing your strengths and improving your own self image? Find an affirmation that fits the way you’d like to feel about yourself - affirmations follow the logic that we can speak things into existence. What would you like to speak into existence?

Emotional Wellness: You're okay no matter how okay you are (or aren't)